Complicated
by Never Forget Them
Summary: When, at twelve years old, Alec Lightwood realized he had feelings for his brother, he thought his life couldn't get more complicated. In hindsight, his life had never been so easy. But no matter what, he knew there were things he would never regret.


**Disclaimer: I do not own the Mortal Instruments, Cassandra Clare does. **

Alec would always remember the day he realized he was attracted to Jace. He and Izzy were talking about her latest crush, some Shadowhunter – much too old for her, but they didn't know anybody their age at that time - whose name he couldn't remember, and she was describing how it felt to be in love.

She had talked about how she always blushed when he made her a compliment, how her heartbeat quickened when he was near her, how she couldn't help sneaking glances at him every time he was in her presence and how she always, always, had him on her mind. And throughout the speech, Alec had felt increasingly frightened as he realized he definitely knew the feelings Izzy was describing. It was the same feelings Jace inspired him.

It was a bit strange, learning about love by your younger sister, but the thought that he might have not been straight had never crossed Alec's mind before. His first response to that idea was denial.

During several months, he tried to ignore his own feelings, telling himself it wouldn't last and that it was just a phase. Needless to say, it didn't work.

All those months had felt like hell to Alec. He had always been a very poor liar, and the fact that this time the person he was trying to lie to was himself made the process all the more complicated. The best he could do – or more accurately the only thing he could do – was ignoring what he felt and acting as though nothing was wrong.  
And that made him feel lonelier than ever. Not only he couldn't talk about it with anybody, he couldn't even think about it without feeling guilty ! Guilty because he lied, because he had this stupid but huge crush, because all of this felt like betraying his family, especially Jace. He would have given anything for a friend, someone who would never judge him and who could help him sort out his feelings.

Back then, he really thought life couldn't become more confusing; after all, he was a Shadowhunter in love with his adoptive brother ! How much worse could it get ?

The answer was: it could get much, much worse. As he was going through puberty, he sometimes felt downright ashamed to talk to Jace. He couldn't say it was just love anymore, nothing too sinful, for there was definitely a side of lust that filled him with self-hatred and disgust. Lying to himself was simply impossible at that point, and his confusion had increased.

As though all of that wasn't enough, when he was fourteen, Jace asked him to be his parabatai. It was as flattering as it was depressing. He was honored to be held in such high regard by Jace, but at the same time he also knew that parabatai weren't allowed to fall in love with each other. He wasn't allowed to anyway, seeing as Jace was practically his sibling, but it still hurt. But no matter how much it hurt, he didn't think one second of refusing Jace's offer : he wanted to be close to him, in any and every way possible. A parabatai connection was probably more than he could ever hope.

And thus Alec became a Shadowhunter hopelessly in love with his brother and parabatai. This time he was sure his life could only improve from that point.

He got used to being Jace's parabatai, to always staying with him and to protecting him, while keeping an eye on Izzy and fighting demons. He followed a daily routine that consisted in waking up, going to classes with Hodge, fighting demons, thinking about Jace, trying to convince Izzy to stop going out with Downworlders, going to sleep. And then another day would begin. His life, even though it was far from easy and he didn't like it that much, made some sort of sense.

But then, four years later, two people came along and disrupted his routine. The first one, in chronological order, was Clary Fray.

How he had hated her ! That redheaded mundane who monopolized Jace's attention without even realizing, without even trying ! Whereas he had spent all his life trying to get through to Jace, and he didn't even look at him anymore. Was it only because she was a girl ? No, it couldn't be that, Jace had never paid that much attention to a girl before, no matter how attractive she looked.

So it had to be love. And that was unfair for him, who had only ever known unrequited love... But that also changed, when he met the second person.

Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn. With such a profession, it was very unlikely that he and Alec would achieve some kind of friendship. Hell, it was unlikely they would ever met ! At that time, Alec hated Brooklyn.

But still, it happened. They met, all because of Clary Fray, who seeked answers and had very good reasons to think Magnus Bane could bring them. So they sneaked into one of his apparently famous parties, and started to ask him questions.

Alec couldn't care less about Clary's problems, so he focused on more interesting things, like Jace and their 'magnificent' host. It wasn't so much that he felt attracted to Magnus, it was more that he felt at ease with him. Without really understanding why, he knew deep down that he appreciated the warlock. He was funny, he wasn't drooling over Clary – and for someone who had spent so much time with Jace and Clary's mundane friend Simon, it was a very important fact – and he was honestly rather good-looking.

However, this more than honorable first impression was short-lived, as Magnus Bane decided to hit on him as they were leaving his party. Hit on him, Alec Lightwood, the boy that tried his best everyday to stay hidden in the depths of his closet, and who actually thought he was succeeding, until one colorful warlock proved him wrong.

To be completely truthful, a small part of him had liked the attention. But this part was shut down in favor of the other, who was plainly freaking out. That stupid warlock ! Did he actually think it was a good idea to make a pass at Alec when he was right next to his brother ?

That night, Alec decided he would never see Magnus again, and so what had happened at his party did not matter.

Once again, Magnus Bane proved him wrong. Several days later, Alec was deadly injured because of his own carelessness, Clary's hurtful words, and most importantly a Greater Demon. In the end, he survived because of Magnus, who came at the Institute and healed him. Seeing Magnus one more time and being in his debt made avoiding him much harder – so hard, in fact, that Alec found himself on his doorstep barely a week after that incident. It was then that he started dating Magnus Bane.

One could have thought this was the point where Alec Lightwood's life became easier. After years and years of conflicted feelings, he finally fell in love with the right man and lived peacefully ever after.

Unfortunately for Alec, that was not the end of his story.

His relationship with Magnus only made everything much more complicated. Before, his only troubles were Jace and his feelings for him. Now, he had to deal with Jace, his feelings for him, the guilt these feelings brought him, Magnus, his feelings for him, and the never ending fear that one day someone would discover his secret relationship with him. He knew he liked Magnus, he really did, but he also knew he would never want his parents to know about him.

And, somehow, he was still in love with Jace. Which was unfair for Magnus, or at least he thought so. He knew he wouldn't have liked being someone's second best. Sometimes he wondered if Magnus cared enough about him to be offended.

As a matter of fact, he did. That's why, after several more than embarrassing events such as nearly coming out to his parents because of a rune and Jace calling him out on his apparently not-so-secret relationship, Magnus started to ignore him. He refused to answer his calls and he barely talked to him when they happened to see each other.

In a way, he should have been happy. After all, wasn't he the one who kept wishing Magnus wouldn't be so open with his affections ? Wasn't he the one who couldn't bear the mere thought that someone learned about them ? Magnus had stepped into his life and changed everything, and now it was all back to normal: liking Jace, fighting demons, protecting Izzy and obeying to the Clave.

Only it didn't seem enough anymore. It always felt like something was missing, though he didn't know, or more sincerely he didn't want to acknowledge what it was. As strange as it might have sounded, it was Jace that forced him to open his eyes. He confronted him about his feelings, telling him that he'd always known about his crush on him, but that he also knew that it was an excuse for not getting seriously involved in a 'real' relationship.

Somehow, Alec knew he should have been outraged. How could Jace dismiss years of confusion and self-loathing so easily ? But at the same time, he knew it was true. He didn't even want to kiss Jace. An unrequited love over his parabatai was the perfect defense mechanism to avoid the real problem – that is to say, his fear of dealing with a serious relationship.

And so, with that in mind, Alec decided to finally face his problems. He made up with Magnus and came out in front of both the members of the Clave and a good number of Downworlders. His life after that hadn't become simpler, far from it actually, but this time he knew better than to expect that: with Magnus Bane the High Warlock of Brooklyn as a lover, one could not hope to settle into any sort of routine.

This night, as he turned around in bed to look at Magnus' face, he wondered what his life would have been like, had he decided not to try and pursue a relationship with a Downworlder. His father would probably still talk to him, the Clave members wouldn't look down on him, and he wouldn't hate his own mortality. Just as he was thinking about that, Magnus' cat eyes opened and he gazed at him sleepily.

"Don't you know it's creepy to watch people sleep ?"

Alec shrugged. "I wasn't really watching you. I kept thinking about my life and I couldn't sleep, so I just turned around to see if you were asleep. It's not creepy."

Magnus smirked, but his eyes were watching Alec carefully, as if he was trying to find out something.

"Is that so ? Well, I guess in that case I can forgive you for inadvertently waking me up..."

He came close to Alec and, in a comforting yet very intimate manner, he wrapped his arms around his naked form. Alec immediately snuggled against him and rested his forehead on his shoulder. Magnus' hands were slowly stroking his back, up and down, in a soothing movement that actually made him sleepy.

"Were you worrying about Jace again ?" he asked softly. "I know how important he is to you, and I know this whole situation must be really hard on you. But exhausting yourself won't save him."

Alec said nothing, and simply hugged Magnus back. All he had said was true: he did worry for Jace, there was no way he couldn't. But if Alec was able to handle it calmly, if he wasn't going insane with sorrow, it was all thanks to Magnus. It was thanks to him that he never felt lonely anymore, and that alone made it worth every argument, every snide remark other Shadowhunters would make in passing, and every single otherwise unbearable thought about mortality.

For if there was one thing Alec would never regret about his life, in spite of how complicated it had become, it was choosing to live it with Magnus Bane.

The End

**Review please ? I would really like to know what you thought about this. **


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